I just can’t get seem to chorale the kind of time and energy Christmas requires. I am tired and when the kids were little and we were homebound it made more sense to do so much more. Family photos, a creative story or poem homemade cards to 75+ and now a family photo doesn’t seem right without ALL of them. Liv is residing in Switzerland for 6 months. Ryon in Tahoe for the Snow season. Mike in Sonoma with his Aunt, Uncle and grandparents to attend Santa Rosa JC and to work. It’s Just Ian and I, Jane and Tristan. Life has changed overnight and not any less busier, just different.

I found I want my life simpler more balanced. I am not doing Christmas cards this year and not that I don’t miss and want to connect to far off loved ones, I know I sound like a ba humbug......I can not get it on for Christmas this year like the over top Christmases of the past and it isn't just about the economy. That's actually made it easier, more excusable to justify my behavior this year. Although, I do wish everyone much joy, love, health, happiness, prosperity in 2009 and a great Christmas Season. My Christmas highlight letters bore me, and most of the time I feel like such a liar, because I don’t really discuss what’s really going on, which for me, is the messiness of human relationships. My human relationships. I like my letters to reflect something close to the truth, I do like getting them when they are filled with emotional honesty. Although I care about my people I don't really want to hear about Johnny’s grades, unless that’s what really matters to them, then please go on. I want to hear. I’d also like to hear more about..."How you really doing?".

Here’s how we are really doing.

Ian and I started back to couples therapy after a 3 year break. We’ve been together 22 years and we are crazy for each other. Stupid to wait so long. We do so much better when we have and interpreter that helps us have more compassion and appreciation for one another. We also have a date after and then we both feel way better.

Ian and I are both a little shell shocked to take such a change in our home, with 3 out of 5 gone. ALREADY. WOW it went so fast. It’s not a bad change. It’s very different and we miss them. The dynamics are very different. We still have 3 big dogs, Kira, the rescued, rambunctious, naughty Neapolitan Mastiff, Titus, her yellow lab co hort and Argus the ever present watcher.

Ian still works 2 jobs and builds as much as he can, but he has taken up some balance and with that video games with Jane and Tristan and his gym is finished so he is doing more self care more time with me. There is more balance which means saner, which means better around here.

Jane and I and Tristan cook and clean and argue and watch movies and read and take care of the dogs and the house and play dice often and Oh did I say argue?

I am letting go of the intense pace I have had for the last 2 years building my businesses. I am honing my skills as an artist and fine art photographer and taking enough bookings to pay the bills, but not to pay me. Less stress. I am an artist and want to remain committed to that aspect of my work. I approached Christmas so differently this year. I still have shopping. I used to have all gifts wrapped by Thanksgiving. I spent ½ , I don’t think things are what we need. I did not bake. Who really needs another cookie anyway, my ass doesn’t and I am a fooder. I’ll eat them as I cook because my drug of choice is sugar flower chocolate and caffeine and I lack a stop switch. I did plant bulbs in fine pots and give them to loved ones. I painted book marks for loved ones. I bought small electronics for the kids. Only a couple of things. A small Christmas.

Somehow it feels good. Less stuff more feeling.

What I wanted for Christmas that I already got.

Ian and I communicating and spending time together and working out the kinks. Ian not working 100 hours a week. Mike’s wisdom teeth out and the kid signed up for college. THIS IS HUGE! Ryon getting a job and refocusing his life. He has some challenges in front of him, but he has his BA this year and that is HUGE. Ian and I are proud of him for standing up and following through. Liv, living the French life, going to Paris. At 16 years old she has settled into a European life with a new family and she is earning a little living as a nanny, taking French classes and playing soccer on a women’s Swiss soccer team while she finishes High School via the mail. HUGE. Jane and Tristan are reading a lot and teaching their dad video games and they are taking on more responsibility at home and learning how to be the big ones now. HUGE. They are doing it. After 2 years of crawling on his belly like in Hogan’s Heroes, bringing out dirt, one bucket at a time, so he could dig and pour a foundation under our house Ian has done it. He lifted and poured a foundation under the whole house. Almost all by himself. Mike and Ryon came and helped a bit. Ian also built a stout wrap around porch. He also got the wood in and our gym ready to greet my FA this post holiday season and he works extra so I can stay home with the kids. HUGE for me. I am painting again and I have inspiration to do that. I am photographing all the time. HUGE.

 

 

What I really would like for me in 2009

I am really refocusing my efforts with my self-care. One day at a time with desert, but sitting meditating, getting exercise…I am in training for menopause which should be hitting in the next 5 and I am determined to be in shape for it. I need to be ready and I am not. I have some weight to lose if I don‘t want depression and major medical issues to become my norm in the near future. I am working on healthy changes and trying not to get too bummed that I have to graduate to soy in my coffee. YUK!

Still Christmas frantic ……working on some stuff for the blog and site and Ian and his family…….and my family…….HAPPY HOLIDAYS.